Back to life, back to reality?

So I went to talk to my ex-boss today, regarding this paper we are writing. We are going to submit sometime next week, at the same time doing another experiment which the reviewers might or might not want. I told him, we might as well do it, since it is an interesting point (which was made by one of the co-authors who is in Stateside) and it might give us an interesting result.
Of course, it might not.

Ex-boss actually emailed me for a meeting, so I kind of thought that something happened to that grant which he has been talking about for months and months and months (since April, to be exact).
It turns out that it did. It seems that the Institute and the GrantFunders finally decided on the nitty-gritty, and that we can all have our grubby hands on the money. Ex-boss (or Big Boss, I guess) seems pretty happy to give me the job, I'm equally happy to keep working for him...unless there's something about the project he hasn't told me about.

Anyway, I have sort of half-heartedly being looking at other opportunities as well, i.e. doing searches in the New Scientist/Nature jobs websites. There is also another position in the Institute, which isn't lab based, but a kind of supportive administrative role working with PIs. I'd be interested in that kind of position - and I know that they had problems recruiting. So I think I will apply for that as well. If I get an interview, great. If I don't, then there is nothing to lose.

Looking to the future prospects, it will be good if there is a permanent, lab-manager type of position with the ex-boss. But those are few and far between. I don't even know whether I want to do that kind of a job. It does get tiring after a while working with children.
Another thing with the future, is that in the current era of University funding, it is never clear whether your position is concrete. I guess nowadays it is the same everywhere. But even if I do start working for ex-Boss with that grant, I will be doing other things to make sure I am employable if and when I decide to hang up my Gilson...

On death

I guess there won't be much more scientific posts on this blog, so here's something a little bit more personal for me.


My other half's father died recently. We just had the funeral, and the other half is getting back to life as it used to be. Me, well, I'm still unemployed. (And enjoying it.)
Which gives me plenty of time to reflect upon the death of a person, and how that affects the living. Not just the bereaved, but the people surrounding them.

As for the bereaved - for some, it is a shocking experience, which results in a numbing of the senses and an unrealistic feeling. For others, it is a natural, "normal" occurance that is realistic in every sense of the word, and hence mourning comes naturally - they feel sad, they cry, but do not bottle things up and "carry on with life".

The thing is, I can understand both situations. As I have been through two sudden deaths in my immediate family - my father's 12 years ago, and my younger sister's 3 years ago - I guess I know better than most people of my age what to expect (also because I was over 20 when both deaths happened). It's a thing where experience helps, not just with the practicalities (which quite frankly I am crap at) but also with what emotions and thoughts you go through.
It's one thing to try and understand what a bereaved person is going through, but it's another to truly understand what they are going through. Feel shocked and numb or isolated and lonely? Been there, done that.

I can sympathize with the negative emotions and thoughts that comes with what other people expect from you, the bereaved. It's amazing how people are clueless about bereavement. It is an uncomfortable situation when people silently expect you to get on with life, as it used to be, when you know that things won't be the same as before. How they expect you not to be different - well, they say then understand, but can they?
This sarcasm stems from the fact that both death in my family occured through suicide - so I lost someone close to me not once, but twice, through what essentially is described as "their choice".
I am guessing that not many people will understand the sheer desolation and isolation I felt after my sister's death. It is one thing to be in that special group where you are bereaved through suicide, but a second time?
And people really don't have a clue how to react in that situation. I did have a lot of anger about it, which I can understand now is natural.


In the end, you evolve into a different person as a result - well, I did. I think you'd be a fool to think you will be the same person - anyway, just "living" results in evolution of a person.

How do I think I have changed over the last three years?
Well, I give more credit and care and attention to the now.
And I also have a stronger sense of myself, a stronger core if you will.
And I've gained 10kg.........